something about truth and the heart

A few weeks ago I was praised for my "blatant honesty and no holds barred attitude." My immediate silent response was, "I just don't have the time or energy for anything else." And that reminded me of a portion of The Tao of Inner Peace, in Chapter 2, in which Diane Dreher writes: "Men and women of Tao seek truth above all else. They have no time for pretense." [p.15] I also like this line: "Te means choosing truth above ego." [p.14]

I certainly haven't transcended ego, but I've always been a big advocate of the truth. As a little girl, as a teenager, and now. I rarely even think about it; speaking the truth comes naturally, and I always seek it from others even if it might upset me. What doesn't always come naturally though is knowing the truth. What's the truth? What's my truth? (And if you're familiar with Byron Katie's work: Is anything even true?!;))

I've been stuck on Chapter 2: Tao and Te for more than a month now. "Stuck" sounds negative, but I don't mean it like that. I think I've been lingering here for so long partially because of the explanation of the symbol for Te: "It's Chinese symbol combines the signs for "to go," "straight," and "the heart."And I think understanding more about, and cultivating te, will help me (already has been helping me), act and speak from the heart, to know what's true in the moment.

There are a couple of practices in my life that help me get in touch with my heart, speak my truth, be in the moment, and go with the flow: Continuum Movement and Sheng Zhen Qigong.

Sheng Zhen Qigong, the qigong of unconditional love, was what first started opening my heart. I hadn't even realized how closed off it was. I actually knew I was closed off, but I didn't realize that a movement and meditation practice could crack me open so gently and so deeply. Totally changed my life. And I am so grateful. Continuing to go deeper with this practice. And it's fun to see how Continuum and Qigong compliment one another too. In Qigong, the body is being moved by qi (well, after the mind gets out of the way, if it ever does!). In Continuum, the body is being moved by sound vibration and fluid (body is mostly fluid) (at least that's how I understand it). Continuum, like Sheng Zhen Qigong, has also deepened my connection with my heart.

I was recently at a Continuum workshop with a focus on the heart, breath, and grief. One of the exercises involved placing my hands on my heart and really feeling inside myself, deeply connecting with the physical organ, seeing if my heart could feel my hands and if my hands could feel my heart. Since then I've felt a shift-- actually the shift started in January at another workshop, but this one deepened my connection with my heart. In January the exercise had to do with really sensing, feeling, perceiving from the heart. Since then I've felt different. More in my body. Calmer. Quieter inside. Less fear. More love. More alive.

And all of this-- the qigong, the continuum, reading the tao of inner peace-- plus a recent death in the family and a friend in the hospital--- it's all been helping me quiet my mind, calm down, listen to my heart, and see and hear what's really important, and then speak my truth whether through words and action or just through action. Walking the talk as best I can....Because life's too short for anything less than blatant honesty and living as authentically and fully as possible.

Exit Wound

I was thinking about what I wrote the other day about leaving my business to focus on writing. I was thinking about how extreme that is. I was thinking there must be a way to do both, commit to writing and keep seeing clients and teaching students. I was thinking that I think too much. Tao is about flow. Living in the moment. Not over-thinking and over-planning.

But this morning I was reminded of why I think too much, why I spend so much time in my head, trying to plan out everything. Some part of me believes that's the safest place to be, and that planning and making the "right" choices will keep me safe. Understandable considering that some choices in the past led me to a nearly fatal car accident 14 years ago. And I've recently uncovered some feelings of guilt and shame around that. No wonder in the first chapter of "The Tao of Inner Peace" when I did the self-assessment, I was least at peace with myself. There have been all these feelings of guilt and shame holding me back, and I wasn't even fully aware of them until now. But that could be a whole other blog entry, and perhaps it will be. Now back to this morning's exit wound:

This morning I noticed a tender spot on the upper right side of my head. I was in the middle of a Continuum dive, lying on the floor, allowing my neck and head to move all around against the mat. And as I noticed this tender spot, my mind immediately concluded it was an exit wound; when I leave my body, that's the spot through which I exit.

I started crying as I thought back to the first time I left, at least the first noticeable time, in that speeding car, knowing we were going to crash; I wanted out before it happened. And so I left. And then came back in. And then left again when it did happen.

Through CranioSacral sessions and Continuum Movement I've discovered that I never fully came back, and I'm still working on being more fully in my body. After going through something so frightening, violent, and damaging, it makes sense that my body didn't seem like a safe place to reside. But it is safe. And no amount of over-thinking and over-planning is going to do me any good.

What I feel today is that if I'm going to focus on, commit to, dive into anything, it's gotta be movement and embodiment. When I do these things to get me more into my body and into the flow, such as Continuum, qigong, or receiving CranioSacral, or dancing, that's when I'm inspired to write. That's when I follow through and actually do write. That's when I either have clarity or at least peace of mind rather than constant questioning and pressure to make the best decision. That's when I'm most in line with the principles of Tao and Te.

The Tao of Yoda

Rereading Chapter 2 of "The Tao of Inner Peace." It says Te is about not trying but doing. This reminds me of Yoda saying, "Do, or do not. There is no 'try.'"

A couple of years ago it occurred to me that if I said I was "trying" something, it was like setting myself up for failure, not doing or liking the thing, lack of follow-through, half-assed attempt, etc. It was like an acknowledgment but then also rebellion against that inner knowing that whatever it was that I was "merely trying" wasn't right for me. Or perhaps just fear to fully dive in to something that was/is right for me....So I became very aware of word choice. Sometimes another word, such as "exploring," really fit better than "trying." ---- Ha! It's occurring to me now that by focusing more on semantics I missed the whole point, which was to listen to that inner knowing! Funny how I trick myself into and out of things when deep down I really know better....

Dreher writes that "tao people have no time for half-hearted attempts." And why bother doing anything half-heartedly, I wonder. It's not good for me or for anyone else involved. I'm feeling the need to pay more attention to this in my life.

There's an exercise in this chapter that asks you to look at any areas in your life where you've been holding back, trying instead of doing (p.19). This is really relevant in my life right now, as I think about living life to the fullest, in integrity, and as I contemplate leaving Anacortes, moving back to Seattle, and focusing on finishing my book and starting another one before I even think about putting any energy into building up my business in Seattle. To just leap, knowing that the net will appear. For years I've been saying I want to write a book. Never used the word "try," but it's definitely an area in my life in which I've been holding back.

Dreher poses the questions:
What would happen if you really committed yourself?
Have you been afraid of failure or success?
What would happen if you failed?
What changes would success bring to your life?
"Ask yourself if you really WANT to follow through with this activity. If so, stop trying. Do it."

I feel I'm being spoken to here, and it's time to listen. What would happen if I really committed myself to writing? Well, there's only one way to find out. So that's what I'm going to do. Time to give notice to my clients and students in Anacortes. Time to replace my seemingly broken printer. Time to commit to writing. I've also been talking about "trying" out living in Seattle again, before deciding to make the full move. But I don't need to try. I need to do. I don't have time to try. Just time to do. Life is short, and I've just been reminded of this, as my grandfather was just admitted to hospice yesterday, and as I visited a friend at the hospital this morning, and as I've often wondered what I'd do if I only had a year to live. Writing a book is the main thing that comes to mind. Since I did face death 14 years ago, I've lived my life pretty darn well. But now it's time to crank it up a notch. So, here I go. Taking the leap. Diving in.

Back to the Beginning, again....

Today I picked up "The Tao of Inner Peace" after a week of not touching it. I've been processing my Continuum Retreat experiences and the personal life events that preceded it, forgetting that the messages in this book, the messages of Taoism, would actually serve as a life raft during this week of processing and integration. Oh, how easily I forget! Silly me. So once again, I return. To the Tao. To the beginning. Again. And again. And again. I'll return.

And today I returned to Chapter 1 instead of picking up where I'd left off in Chapter 2. Reading Chapter 1 today felt as if I were reading it for the first time. In reality, it was my fourth time, and the first three times were less than a month ago. How strange....But what stood out today was:
"...we wrestle with the contradiction of what we are and what we 'should' be. We live in the richest nation in the world, and yet we are chronically insecure and defensive." (p.4) This jumps out at me because it hits close to home. Recently I've been looking at my history of "shoulds," looking at how "shoulds" bog me down and get in my way, even when I think I've done away with them! Turns out there are some hidden shoulds programmed deep down inside of me. And the lack of security I feel despite this "rich" life of mine-- it's almost embarrassing. It doesn't make sense. Logically, no sense at all. But it's felt and manifests in self-limiting choices. Luckily, one part of being a Tao person that I've got down pretty good is the ability to laugh. And so I do. I might cry a little too. But then I laugh. I always return to laughter. And begin again on this path of acceptance and flow.

Te and Seeing Clearly

Daring to live authentically and fulfilling our greatest potential. Ahhhh, I like the sound of that. Being flexible, spontaneous, and optimistic. Centered, creative, dynamic. Living in faith and loving service. All sounds good to me! These are aspects of “the Tao person,” and cultivating Te is how one becomes a person of the Tao. (Dreher, p.12-13)

One thing Te is about is seeing clearly, without illusions about ourselves or the world. Part of this is about admitting to what we do NOT know.

“Those who know they don’t know
Gain wisdom.
Those who pretend they know
Remain ignorant….” (TAO 71)

I’ve always loved that message. The first thing it reminds me of is when others impose what they know onto others, in a narrow-minded way. Drives me a bit crazy in some situations, with some people. But what a great opportunity for me to practice compassion when I am on the receiving end of other people’s knowing. It’s also an opportunity to look beyond the trigger and decipher if the other’s “knowing” is knowledge worth adopting, or if it’s more of an opinion or maybe not an opinion but not the whole story either. (perhaps a bit of a tangent….)

The other thing this speaks of is the opportunity to learn in the absence of knowledge.

There’s a lot I don’t know, and I usually don’t hesitate to admit to it. But sometimes I remain quiet; my silence and/or head-nod and/or “uh-huh” implying that I DO know. Typically it’s not out of embarrassment or pertaining to ego; I am comfortable with not knowing. Typically it’s out of not wanting to disrupt the flow of conversation, and I’ve assessed that the person or thing being mentioned (that I don’t know about) really doesn’t need to be explained for me to understand the general topic of conversation/presentation/etc. And sometimes that assessment is what serves me best. There’s not always time, or a genuine desire, to ask for clarification about (i.e.) who some supposedly famous author is (who I’ve never heard of) if whatever’s being said about him or her makes sense anyway. Does that make sense??

But sometimes it would be good for me to say (and sometimes I do), “Who/what is that? Could you explain? I don’t understand.” Sometimes it would be better for me to say, “huh?” instead of “uh-huh” while nodding my head in false understanding (really just indicating that I’m listening, not that I’m understanding!).

Reading about this in The Tao of Inner Peace motivates me to pay more attention to this matter. Although Dreher focuses more on the ego’s role in this, and my tendencies have more to do with presence, time, and authentic interest (or lack thereof), I do feel I’m being asked to raise my awareness and raise the bar, both in one-on-one conversations and as a student or workshop/lecture-participant.

Perhaps this extends beyond conversation as well, such as taking the time and interest to research/read about things that I don’t fully understand but that pertain to some of my passions and interests. Like Qigong. And CranioSacral Therapy. And Continuum Movement. Time for a more well-rounded understanding of these things. Although I’m a big advocate of experience being a great source of knowledge, it might be nice to be able to explain some of these things to other people, especially some of the science. Or not…. ☺

The focus in Dreher’s personal exercise here (asking for clarification next time presented with something you don’t know) is to abandon pretense and open up to seeing more clearly. I like it. And I have a feeling I’ll be presented with the opportunity to practice this tonight and/or tomorrow, as we wrap up this Continuum Movement depths retreat. And then perhaps I will be better able to explain what it is I’ve been doing here all week! ;)

I'd also like to explore how the various aspects of Te mentioned in Chapter 2 support each other. Interesting to see my tendency to break things down, focus on one thing at a time, and then see more clearly how they all go together (i.e. self-acceptance allows us to admit to what we don't know which allows us to see more clearly, etcetera, etcetera....)

From the Heart

She guides us through a heart meditation. Cradle your heart with your hands. Feel your heart beat. Allow your palms to receive the sensation. The beat. The pulsation. Listen. Feel.

I follow her lead, placing my hands on myself as she has placed her hands on herself. “She must know what she’s doing. She must be feeling her own heart beat,” I think to myself. “So why can’t I feel mine?”

All I feel is heat and a solid stillness. All I hear is a voice in my head, questioning my experience, or what I consider a lack thereof. I think of the times that I do hear or feel my heartbeat, and how it elicits momentary panic. Why is this? I don’t know. Probably has something to do with the trauma of my car accident, but that’s a whole other story.

During the meditation, I think of the definition of Te in The Tao of Inner Peace; I think about the "going straight from the heart." I think about my tendency to question what is heart vs. what is ego, to question what is fear-based vs. what is love-based. How can I live from my heart if I cannot physically feel it beat, and if the sound of my heart-beat freaks me out?

And how is it that I, someone who practices and teaches a form of qigong that focuses on opening the heart, is so uncomfortable with this deep, embodied, heart meditation?

Clearly I am giving myself a hard time over this.

And as soon as I realize that, I soften into self-acceptance. Seeing clearly. Self-acceptance. Finding my way back to at least those two aspects of te. I settle into the meditation, I settle into the feelings. I settle into the lack of feelings. I know my heart is there. I know it is beating. I even feel it from time to time throughout the remainder of the meditation. And so I open up to new sensations. Get out of my head and more into my body again.

It helps to stop focusing on the heart in my chest and instead to expand my awareness into my entire body. Today I learned to think of the heart as actually being throughout the entire body, thanks to the thousands of miles of heart capillaries from head to toe. As I feel my heart in the centers of the soles of my feet, the centers of the palms of my hands, and so on, I see the bigger picture. I feel at peace.

And yet-- SURPRISE!-- I leave the meditation full of anger.

I pulsate. Like a heartbeat. Open. Close. Open. Close. Peace. Frustration. Peace. Frustration. Acceptance. Judgment. Acceptance. Judgment.

Is this just part of riding the waves?

I share my experience with my peers and workshop leaders. I’m asked what I need. I don’t know. Nothing. Just to acknowledge both sides of the coin. Just the time and space to breathe through it, to move with it, to write it out, to feel it, and release it. And then return to the middle. Which is where I am now. Constantly returning. Returning to the Tao.

Chapter 2: Tao and Te

“Follow the Tao
And live in harmony.
Cultivate character (Te)
And develop your highest potential.
Te and Tao
Are the way of life.
Abandon either
And the Tao abandons you.” (Tao 23)

Cultivate character and develop your highest potential. This line sticks with me. I immediately feel what it means for me: stop questioning what is my highest potential and what to do with it or how to reach it; instead just be here now, cultivating character, strengthening foundation, and let all else flow naturally from there.

As I read about Te in this chapter, my eyes widen, and then my brow sort of furrows. How is it that all these years I never really knew what the “Te” of “Tao Te Ching” meant? As I read about what it is though, it turns out that I have been cultivating it and talk about it often, but without the label.

So what is Te? Te is virtue or character. Te is about living authentically, combining intuition and compassion. Dreher writes that “The Tao Te Ching is the path that leads straight from the heart.” (tao = path) (te = to go straight from the heart) (ching = sacred book)

This chapter is so rich that I could post a blog entry in response to every page or two.

According to Dreher, Te is about seeing clearly, self-acceptance, detachment, not trying but doing, thinking independently, expanding our self, faith in life, living here and now, and embracing life joyously....

Speaking of living here and now, I am currently half-way through a week-long Continuum Movement retreat and going into silence tomorrow. Part of me is dying to write about it, especially as I’m seeing more and more just how much Continuum and Taoism go hand in hand. Also, there was also a lot coming up today about the heart, so I was relating it back to the definition of te. I just might stay up now to write about that. But must not force it-- it’s funny how often I have to remind myself not to force things, but the more I do, the less I need to. So it’s working. I’m on my way. On the way. Straight from the heart.

Peaceful Unpeacefulness

I now know my life is peaceful and harmonious.*
As I contemplated this affirmation, it didn't feel right to me. My internal dialogue about it was something like, "but it's not always peaceful and harmonious! and how can i know that it is, or even that it isn't? what do any of us really know?"
I was thinking that I'd resonate more with something like, "I now invite peace and harmony into my life."

But during a discussion about something else with a couple of women the other day, I ended up talking myself into agreeing with the original affirmation. I heard myself say something about being at peace with disharmony. And that's when the light bulb went on. I then knew that my life is peaceful and harmonious, as long as I am at peace with experiencing times of unpeacefulness and disharmony. And how to be at peace with no peace? How to feel harmony amidst disharmony? Perhaps it's about acceptance and non-judgment. And looking at the bigger picture. Riding the waves. And trusting in the process.

And that seems to lead right into the next affirmation:
I see the larger patterns within and around me.

And what I shared above was the manifestation of: I open up to new insights.

What were the other affirmations?

I affirm the strength of bamboo.
I am an evolving soul.
I am one with Tao.
I respect myself and the process.
I harmonize with nature and all others in my world.
I accept greater peace in my life now.
And so it is.

Oh, that's funny. Now I see that by focusing in on the first one, I missed how the affirmations that followed would have helped me come to the conclusion that the first one didn't need any editing to begin with! But I'm glad I focused in on it, because, in the end, it did lead me to a deeper understanding.

So now that I'm not going to stick to my original plan of going through this line by line, I want to revisit the idea of being at peace with lack of peace (is unpeacefulness a word? doesn't look or sound right....). What I want to look at here is how this relates to an email I received the other day, in which a friend shared that he was using present moment awareness to "skip drama." Yes! If we're present with what's happening, regardless of what's happening or the emotions they're stirring up, there's less likelihood that it will escalate into something that could be labeled as "drama." Does that make sense? I just lost my flow a little, as my hosts just woke up and came into the room.....Focus....And better wrap this up....

So, I think that's all. Be at peace with lack of peace. In harmony with disharmony. Observe what's going on and what you're feeling when drama threatens to take over. It doesn't need to be dramatic. It doesn't need to be a big deal. It just is what it is. Even if it is unpeaceful/disharmonious/drama. ;)



*Affirmations are at the end of Chapter 1 in The Tao of Inner Peace.

Return to the Tao

I just changed the name of this blog, and am about to change the URL to match it. Not sure if it'll affect subscriptions/feeds......So posting this before changing URL.....

Beginning the Journey, again

This is my 3rd morning waking up in Santa Cruz. Waking up to Word coming upstairs for his marathon series of daily practices. Staying in a house with 4 lovely beings who are studying Taoism and Qigong (in a school setting even!) is inspirational and comes at the perfect time for me. Speaking of inspiration, I heard from an old friend that this blog inspired him to meditate. That is SO cool. My heart is happy. And, to be quite honest, I can't deny that there's some ego here too; it is feeling something like relief, with a thought like, "one person's been inspired. phew! this blog rebecca's writing is actually "worthwhile." Ha! Hmmmm....ego. So much stigma around that word. I've gotta write about ego sometime. There's a blog entry that's been brewing over the past week or so questioning what a "healthy adult ego" is, if there even is such a thing. But that's for another time, or not...Back to the Tao...

So, I've been sitting with and walking with the 1st chapter of The Tao of Inner Peace these past few days. On a walk with Word I was noticing the trees more so than usual, noticing their height, in awe of how they started as small seeds. Admiring their strength and how they just know what to do without a bunch of internal and external dialogue about what or how to do things; they just grow! Some shed their leaves. Some shed their bark. No decisions to be made; it just happens. Naturally and over time. It just is. They just are.

As I write that I think of my tendency towards stressing over decision-making, especially decisions that pertain to travel and personal/spiritual growth opportunities (although isn't everything a growth opportunity?). The word "opportunity" even sounded like a "bad" word at times. How crazy is that?! Placing way too much importance on things. Trying to predict the future. Silly human! But that is what I am: human.

And so I take a step back and forgive myself. Smile at myself. Laugh at myself, with compassion, of course!

-- Oh wow! I just picked up the book and opened up randomly to page 24, and what do I see? This: "How long has it been since you really laughed at something?" Ha! How about right now? Plenty of laughter recently. But this question is in Chapter 3, so will revisit it again when I get there.

I was looking for the end of Chapter 1. I realized that I've been processing the 1st chapter, except for the affirmation at the end. Haven't looked at it since Sunday on the plane:

I now know my life is peaceful and harmonious.
I see the larger patterns within and around me.
I open up to new insights.
I affirm the strength of bamboo.
i am an evolving soul.
I am one with Tao.
I respect myself and the process.
I harmonize with nature and all others in my world.
I accept greater peace in my life now.
And so it is.

Hmmmm, well, it seems some of those lines stuck with me and some did not. It is tempting to go through each one and write whatever they inspire me to write, and perhaps I will, but not right now. My body says it's time to get up and move around, and I'm learning not only to listen to my body, but to act in accordance with its guidance. And so I will.

Beginning the Journey, Day 1

Wrote this on the plane, Sunday, January 10, 2010:

Tao of Inner Peace

Ch. 1, Day 1 (1.10.10)

“Beginning the Journey” is the name of the 1st Chapter. How fitting considering that I started reading it while sitting on a plane that’s about to take flight, and considering that a few days ago I received the keys to a new apartment and also said goodbye to my lover. Plus, it’s a new year, with some new and clear intentions. So let the journey begin!

This chapter begins with:
A tree that reaches past your embrace grows from one small seed.
A structure over nine stories high begins with a handful of earth.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. (Tao 64)

The author suggests contemplating the opening quotes and asking how it relates to me.

I read Tao 64 as "you gotta start somewhere....baby steps...it all adds up...growth starts small, takes time...trust in the process."

***The plane is taking off for Oakland now. Wee!***

After the quote, the author asks, "how did you begin your search for peace?"

For me it began with a nearly fatal car accident at the age of 16. A year later, I was depressed, didn't want medication, and so my acupuncturist turned me onto "Healing With Whole Foods" which lead me to "The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity." I resonated with Taoism immediately. Those 2 books were like life rafts for me. And yet it's been quite awhile since i have consciously studied the Tao, been awhile since I've read any books on it. So now I begin again. Recommitting. Reconnecting. Reminding myself of what I already know, what is true, what is Tao, what is Te. (and will define tao and te next time, perhaps...)

The self-assessment in this chapter is about identifying any areas of my life in which I am not at peace:
Body: actually pretty at peace within my body. sugar cravings have subsided. still some aches and pains, but mostly at peace. feeling more and more comfortable in and happy with my body than ever before, for sure.
Career: Happy with the freedom and the work itself, but sometimes stressed and insecure about not "enough" clients or students. Wondering how much of the lack of peace comes from what others say and think-- sometimes I want more work because I'm passionate about what I do, but sometimes it's out of some sort of need to prove that if I didn't have the finances to supplement my income, I could still make enough to live how I want to live.
Relationships: Yes, actually more at peace than I've felt in quite some time. Ready for love, for a long-term monogamous relationship, and ready in a peaceful and patient way. Phew! I also love all the new relationships that have recently come into my life through dance. And also the ways in which old friendships and relationships with family and exes have deepened or gently ended. Happy to be able to communicate well and connect with others, cultivating healthy relationships in personal and professional life.
Finances: Pretty peaceful, and very grateful. Sometimes feel concerned, but am good at reminding myself that I always have more than enough.
Myself: some ups and downs here, but mostly at peace. Although, this might be one of the least at peace aspects. there is still this deeply ingrained sense of pressure or obligation, so a feeling of "not being good enough" sometimes manifests in unhealthy decisions, behaviors, over-doing, etc.
World: at peace. but maybe that's because i don't really follow the news!

So, I think I'm least at peace with "myself," but that's not even so bad. So, this is good! I'm pretty at peace. Despite the ups and down, which I've learned are a natural part of the process--- and that is a key teaching of Taoism: ups and downs, and it's all an ongoing process. So, wow! I've really come a long way.

Ooooh, and here's another thing I'm familiar with that's being mentioned in this chapter: seeing crisis as opportunity. Yes! Very familiar with this one. Perhaps more on that another time....

Just in this first reading of Chapter 1, I am seeing now that although I haven't been reading about the Tao, or contemplating Taoism consciously, I actually have been practicing it, becoming more and more Taoist. I think my Sheng Zhen Qigong practice, and the life coaching from Laura Lavigne I've received, and the support of wise friends/family/teachers have all helped me tremendously, keeping me on the path and learning to ride the waves. :) Awesome!

Love at First Read

My first encounter with Taoism was at the age of 17, following a nearly fatal, highly traumatic, car accident. It had taken a year for depression to hit, as I was so focused on healing physically, and catching up in school, that I pretty much had to be in denial and over-focused on the positive.  And when depression hit, I didn't want to take medication. So my accupuncturist recommended a book called "Healing with Whole Foods" by Paul Pitchford. I loved learning about nutrition from a Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) Five Element Theory perspective. I loved the concepts of Yin and Yang. I loved the thought of letting nature be my guide. I wanted to learn more, and so I turned to a book called "The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity" by Daniel P. Reid. And I was hooked. Totally in love with Taoism. I yearned to be a Taoist hermit and in my college Chinese Philosophy course, I wrote about the challenges of practicing taoism while still in college. I actually came to the conclusion that I needed to get more doing, doing doing out of my system; I hadn't yet grasped the concepts of balance, harmony, and middle path. And so to some extent I abandoned Taoism, though still resonated with it and thought of it frequently. Somehow I had convinced myself that deeply immersing myself in the study and practice of taoism was not appropriate at that time in my life, at least not if I wanted to enjoy and participate in all the things that college had to offer. And yet, I still didn't enjoy or participate in many things. It was as if I couldn't fully embrace one way or the other way of being. Caught somewhere in the middle, but not on the middle path. On and off one path and then the other. Alternating. Going from one extreme to another.....

Thirteen years have passed since I was first introduced to Taoism. Last week I picked up this book that had been sitting on my shelf: "The Tao of Inner Peace." I had a feeling I should take it with me on this trip I was about to take. And as I started reading it on the plane, as I started contemplating the quotes and affirmations, and the self-assessments that the author, Diane Dreher, provides, I felt I'd been reunited with a first love, and I felt that the time was right, now, to continue on this path, to rededicate myself to an exploration of the tao and te of me. And to document it, and so I am, here in this blog.

My intention is to read the book slowly, really take my time with it, and share my reflections here. And so I will. For as long as it feels right, as long as it's in alignment. Excited and curious to see how this all unfolds! For all I know, this and the other one I'm about to post, will be my only entries!