A few weeks ago I was praised for my "blatant honesty and no holds barred attitude." My immediate silent response was, "I just don't have the time or energy for anything else." And that reminded me of a portion of The Tao of Inner Peace, in Chapter 2, in which Diane Dreher writes: "Men and women of Tao seek truth above all else. They have no time for pretense." [p.15] I also like this line: "Te means choosing truth above ego." [p.14]
I certainly haven't transcended ego, but I've always been a big advocate of the truth. As a little girl, as a teenager, and now. I rarely even think about it; speaking the truth comes naturally, and I always seek it from others even if it might upset me. What doesn't always come naturally though is knowing the truth. What's the truth? What's my truth? (And if you're familiar with Byron Katie's work: Is anything even true?!;))
I've been stuck on Chapter 2: Tao and Te for more than a month now. "Stuck" sounds negative, but I don't mean it like that. I think I've been lingering here for so long partially because of the explanation of the symbol for Te: "It's Chinese symbol combines the signs for "to go," "straight," and "the heart."And I think understanding more about, and cultivating te, will help me (already has been helping me), act and speak from the heart, to know what's true in the moment.
There are a couple of practices in my life that help me get in touch with my heart, speak my truth, be in the moment, and go with the flow: Continuum Movement and Sheng Zhen Qigong.
Sheng Zhen Qigong, the qigong of unconditional love, was what first started opening my heart. I hadn't even realized how closed off it was. I actually knew I was closed off, but I didn't realize that a movement and meditation practice could crack me open so gently and so deeply. Totally changed my life. And I am so grateful. Continuing to go deeper with this practice. And it's fun to see how Continuum and Qigong compliment one another too. In Qigong, the body is being moved by qi (well, after the mind gets out of the way, if it ever does!). In Continuum, the body is being moved by sound vibration and fluid (body is mostly fluid) (at least that's how I understand it). Continuum, like Sheng Zhen Qigong, has also deepened my connection with my heart.
I was recently at a Continuum workshop with a focus on the heart, breath, and grief. One of the exercises involved placing my hands on my heart and really feeling inside myself, deeply connecting with the physical organ, seeing if my heart could feel my hands and if my hands could feel my heart. Since then I've felt a shift-- actually the shift started in January at another workshop, but this one deepened my connection with my heart. In January the exercise had to do with really sensing, feeling, perceiving from the heart. Since then I've felt different. More in my body. Calmer. Quieter inside. Less fear. More love. More alive.
And all of this-- the qigong, the continuum, reading the tao of inner peace-- plus a recent death in the family and a friend in the hospital--- it's all been helping me quiet my mind, calm down, listen to my heart, and see and hear what's really important, and then speak my truth whether through words and action or just through action. Walking the talk as best I can....Because life's too short for anything less than blatant honesty and living as authentically and fully as possible.
Showing posts with label Sheng Zhen Qigong. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sheng Zhen Qigong. Show all posts
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Exit Wound
I was thinking about what I wrote the other day about leaving my business to focus on writing. I was thinking about how extreme that is. I was thinking there must be a way to do both, commit to writing and keep seeing clients and teaching students. I was thinking that I think too much. Tao is about flow. Living in the moment. Not over-thinking and over-planning.
But this morning I was reminded of why I think too much, why I spend so much time in my head, trying to plan out everything. Some part of me believes that's the safest place to be, and that planning and making the "right" choices will keep me safe. Understandable considering that some choices in the past led me to a nearly fatal car accident 14 years ago. And I've recently uncovered some feelings of guilt and shame around that. No wonder in the first chapter of "The Tao of Inner Peace" when I did the self-assessment, I was least at peace with myself. There have been all these feelings of guilt and shame holding me back, and I wasn't even fully aware of them until now. But that could be a whole other blog entry, and perhaps it will be. Now back to this morning's exit wound:
This morning I noticed a tender spot on the upper right side of my head. I was in the middle of a Continuum dive, lying on the floor, allowing my neck and head to move all around against the mat. And as I noticed this tender spot, my mind immediately concluded it was an exit wound; when I leave my body, that's the spot through which I exit.
I started crying as I thought back to the first time I left, at least the first noticeable time, in that speeding car, knowing we were going to crash; I wanted out before it happened. And so I left. And then came back in. And then left again when it did happen.
Through CranioSacral sessions and Continuum Movement I've discovered that I never fully came back, and I'm still working on being more fully in my body. After going through something so frightening, violent, and damaging, it makes sense that my body didn't seem like a safe place to reside. But it is safe. And no amount of over-thinking and over-planning is going to do me any good.
What I feel today is that if I'm going to focus on, commit to, dive into anything, it's gotta be movement and embodiment. When I do these things to get me more into my body and into the flow, such as Continuum, qigong, or receiving CranioSacral, or dancing, that's when I'm inspired to write. That's when I follow through and actually do write. That's when I either have clarity or at least peace of mind rather than constant questioning and pressure to make the best decision. That's when I'm most in line with the principles of Tao and Te.
But this morning I was reminded of why I think too much, why I spend so much time in my head, trying to plan out everything. Some part of me believes that's the safest place to be, and that planning and making the "right" choices will keep me safe. Understandable considering that some choices in the past led me to a nearly fatal car accident 14 years ago. And I've recently uncovered some feelings of guilt and shame around that. No wonder in the first chapter of "The Tao of Inner Peace" when I did the self-assessment, I was least at peace with myself. There have been all these feelings of guilt and shame holding me back, and I wasn't even fully aware of them until now. But that could be a whole other blog entry, and perhaps it will be. Now back to this morning's exit wound:
This morning I noticed a tender spot on the upper right side of my head. I was in the middle of a Continuum dive, lying on the floor, allowing my neck and head to move all around against the mat. And as I noticed this tender spot, my mind immediately concluded it was an exit wound; when I leave my body, that's the spot through which I exit.
I started crying as I thought back to the first time I left, at least the first noticeable time, in that speeding car, knowing we were going to crash; I wanted out before it happened. And so I left. And then came back in. And then left again when it did happen.
Through CranioSacral sessions and Continuum Movement I've discovered that I never fully came back, and I'm still working on being more fully in my body. After going through something so frightening, violent, and damaging, it makes sense that my body didn't seem like a safe place to reside. But it is safe. And no amount of over-thinking and over-planning is going to do me any good.
What I feel today is that if I'm going to focus on, commit to, dive into anything, it's gotta be movement and embodiment. When I do these things to get me more into my body and into the flow, such as Continuum, qigong, or receiving CranioSacral, or dancing, that's when I'm inspired to write. That's when I follow through and actually do write. That's when I either have clarity or at least peace of mind rather than constant questioning and pressure to make the best decision. That's when I'm most in line with the principles of Tao and Te.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
From the Heart
She guides us through a heart meditation. Cradle your heart with your hands. Feel your heart beat. Allow your palms to receive the sensation. The beat. The pulsation. Listen. Feel.
I follow her lead, placing my hands on myself as she has placed her hands on herself. “She must know what she’s doing. She must be feeling her own heart beat,” I think to myself. “So why can’t I feel mine?”
All I feel is heat and a solid stillness. All I hear is a voice in my head, questioning my experience, or what I consider a lack thereof. I think of the times that I do hear or feel my heartbeat, and how it elicits momentary panic. Why is this? I don’t know. Probably has something to do with the trauma of my car accident, but that’s a whole other story.
During the meditation, I think of the definition of Te in The Tao of Inner Peace; I think about the "going straight from the heart." I think about my tendency to question what is heart vs. what is ego, to question what is fear-based vs. what is love-based. How can I live from my heart if I cannot physically feel it beat, and if the sound of my heart-beat freaks me out?
And how is it that I, someone who practices and teaches a form of qigong that focuses on opening the heart, is so uncomfortable with this deep, embodied, heart meditation?
Clearly I am giving myself a hard time over this.
And as soon as I realize that, I soften into self-acceptance. Seeing clearly. Self-acceptance. Finding my way back to at least those two aspects of te. I settle into the meditation, I settle into the feelings. I settle into the lack of feelings. I know my heart is there. I know it is beating. I even feel it from time to time throughout the remainder of the meditation. And so I open up to new sensations. Get out of my head and more into my body again.
It helps to stop focusing on the heart in my chest and instead to expand my awareness into my entire body. Today I learned to think of the heart as actually being throughout the entire body, thanks to the thousands of miles of heart capillaries from head to toe. As I feel my heart in the centers of the soles of my feet, the centers of the palms of my hands, and so on, I see the bigger picture. I feel at peace.
And yet-- SURPRISE!-- I leave the meditation full of anger.
I pulsate. Like a heartbeat. Open. Close. Open. Close. Peace. Frustration. Peace. Frustration. Acceptance. Judgment. Acceptance. Judgment.
Is this just part of riding the waves?
I share my experience with my peers and workshop leaders. I’m asked what I need. I don’t know. Nothing. Just to acknowledge both sides of the coin. Just the time and space to breathe through it, to move with it, to write it out, to feel it, and release it. And then return to the middle. Which is where I am now. Constantly returning. Returning to the Tao.
I follow her lead, placing my hands on myself as she has placed her hands on herself. “She must know what she’s doing. She must be feeling her own heart beat,” I think to myself. “So why can’t I feel mine?”
All I feel is heat and a solid stillness. All I hear is a voice in my head, questioning my experience, or what I consider a lack thereof. I think of the times that I do hear or feel my heartbeat, and how it elicits momentary panic. Why is this? I don’t know. Probably has something to do with the trauma of my car accident, but that’s a whole other story.
During the meditation, I think of the definition of Te in The Tao of Inner Peace; I think about the "going straight from the heart." I think about my tendency to question what is heart vs. what is ego, to question what is fear-based vs. what is love-based. How can I live from my heart if I cannot physically feel it beat, and if the sound of my heart-beat freaks me out?
And how is it that I, someone who practices and teaches a form of qigong that focuses on opening the heart, is so uncomfortable with this deep, embodied, heart meditation?
Clearly I am giving myself a hard time over this.
And as soon as I realize that, I soften into self-acceptance. Seeing clearly. Self-acceptance. Finding my way back to at least those two aspects of te. I settle into the meditation, I settle into the feelings. I settle into the lack of feelings. I know my heart is there. I know it is beating. I even feel it from time to time throughout the remainder of the meditation. And so I open up to new sensations. Get out of my head and more into my body again.
It helps to stop focusing on the heart in my chest and instead to expand my awareness into my entire body. Today I learned to think of the heart as actually being throughout the entire body, thanks to the thousands of miles of heart capillaries from head to toe. As I feel my heart in the centers of the soles of my feet, the centers of the palms of my hands, and so on, I see the bigger picture. I feel at peace.
And yet-- SURPRISE!-- I leave the meditation full of anger.
I pulsate. Like a heartbeat. Open. Close. Open. Close. Peace. Frustration. Peace. Frustration. Acceptance. Judgment. Acceptance. Judgment.
Is this just part of riding the waves?
I share my experience with my peers and workshop leaders. I’m asked what I need. I don’t know. Nothing. Just to acknowledge both sides of the coin. Just the time and space to breathe through it, to move with it, to write it out, to feel it, and release it. And then return to the middle. Which is where I am now. Constantly returning. Returning to the Tao.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Beginning the Journey, again
This is my 3rd morning waking up in Santa Cruz. Waking up to Word coming upstairs for his marathon series of daily practices. Staying in a house with 4 lovely beings who are studying Taoism and Qigong (in a school setting even!) is inspirational and comes at the perfect time for me. Speaking of inspiration, I heard from an old friend that this blog inspired him to meditate. That is SO cool. My heart is happy. And, to be quite honest, I can't deny that there's some ego here too; it is feeling something like relief, with a thought like, "one person's been inspired. phew! this blog rebecca's writing is actually "worthwhile." Ha! Hmmmm....ego. So much stigma around that word. I've gotta write about ego sometime. There's a blog entry that's been brewing over the past week or so questioning what a "healthy adult ego" is, if there even is such a thing. But that's for another time, or not...Back to the Tao...
So, I've been sitting with and walking with the 1st chapter of The Tao of Inner Peace these past few days. On a walk with Word I was noticing the trees more so than usual, noticing their height, in awe of how they started as small seeds. Admiring their strength and how they just know what to do without a bunch of internal and external dialogue about what or how to do things; they just grow! Some shed their leaves. Some shed their bark. No decisions to be made; it just happens. Naturally and over time. It just is. They just are.
As I write that I think of my tendency towards stressing over decision-making, especially decisions that pertain to travel and personal/spiritual growth opportunities (although isn't everything a growth opportunity?). The word "opportunity" even sounded like a "bad" word at times. How crazy is that?! Placing way too much importance on things. Trying to predict the future. Silly human! But that is what I am: human.
And so I take a step back and forgive myself. Smile at myself. Laugh at myself, with compassion, of course!
-- Oh wow! I just picked up the book and opened up randomly to page 24, and what do I see? This: "How long has it been since you really laughed at something?" Ha! How about right now? Plenty of laughter recently. But this question is in Chapter 3, so will revisit it again when I get there.
I was looking for the end of Chapter 1. I realized that I've been processing the 1st chapter, except for the affirmation at the end. Haven't looked at it since Sunday on the plane:
I now know my life is peaceful and harmonious.
I see the larger patterns within and around me.
I open up to new insights.
I affirm the strength of bamboo.
i am an evolving soul.
I am one with Tao.
I respect myself and the process.
I harmonize with nature and all others in my world.
I accept greater peace in my life now.
And so it is.
Hmmmm, well, it seems some of those lines stuck with me and some did not. It is tempting to go through each one and write whatever they inspire me to write, and perhaps I will, but not right now. My body says it's time to get up and move around, and I'm learning not only to listen to my body, but to act in accordance with its guidance. And so I will.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Beginning the Journey, Day 1
Wrote this on the plane, Sunday, January 10, 2010:
Tao of Inner Peace
Ch. 1, Day 1 (1.10.10)
“Beginning the Journey” is the name of the 1st Chapter. How fitting considering that I started reading it while sitting on a plane that’s about to take flight, and considering that a few days ago I received the keys to a new apartment and also said goodbye to my lover. Plus, it’s a new year, with some new and clear intentions. So let the journey begin!
This chapter begins with:
A tree that reaches past your embrace grows from one small seed.
A structure over nine stories high begins with a handful of earth.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. (Tao 64)
The author suggests contemplating the opening quotes and asking how it relates to me.
I read Tao 64 as "you gotta start somewhere....baby steps...it all adds up...growth starts small, takes time...trust in the process."
***The plane is taking off for Oakland now. Wee!***
After the quote, the author asks, "how did you begin your search for peace?"
For me it began with a nearly fatal car accident at the age of 16. A year later, I was depressed, didn't want medication, and so my acupuncturist turned me onto "Healing With Whole Foods" which lead me to "The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity." I resonated with Taoism immediately. Those 2 books were like life rafts for me. And yet it's been quite awhile since i have consciously studied the Tao, been awhile since I've read any books on it. So now I begin again. Recommitting. Reconnecting. Reminding myself of what I already know, what is true, what is Tao, what is Te. (and will define tao and te next time, perhaps...)
The self-assessment in this chapter is about identifying any areas of my life in which I am not at peace:
Body: actually pretty at peace within my body. sugar cravings have subsided. still some aches and pains, but mostly at peace. feeling more and more comfortable in and happy with my body than ever before, for sure.
Career: Happy with the freedom and the work itself, but sometimes stressed and insecure about not "enough" clients or students. Wondering how much of the lack of peace comes from what others say and think-- sometimes I want more work because I'm passionate about what I do, but sometimes it's out of some sort of need to prove that if I didn't have the finances to supplement my income, I could still make enough to live how I want to live.
Relationships: Yes, actually more at peace than I've felt in quite some time. Ready for love, for a long-term monogamous relationship, and ready in a peaceful and patient way. Phew! I also love all the new relationships that have recently come into my life through dance. And also the ways in which old friendships and relationships with family and exes have deepened or gently ended. Happy to be able to communicate well and connect with others, cultivating healthy relationships in personal and professional life.
Finances: Pretty peaceful, and very grateful. Sometimes feel concerned, but am good at reminding myself that I always have more than enough.
Myself: some ups and downs here, but mostly at peace. Although, this might be one of the least at peace aspects. there is still this deeply ingrained sense of pressure or obligation, so a feeling of "not being good enough" sometimes manifests in unhealthy decisions, behaviors, over-doing, etc.
World: at peace. but maybe that's because i don't really follow the news!
So, I think I'm least at peace with "myself," but that's not even so bad. So, this is good! I'm pretty at peace. Despite the ups and down, which I've learned are a natural part of the process--- and that is a key teaching of Taoism: ups and downs, and it's all an ongoing process. So, wow! I've really come a long way.
Ooooh, and here's another thing I'm familiar with that's being mentioned in this chapter: seeing crisis as opportunity. Yes! Very familiar with this one. Perhaps more on that another time....
Just in this first reading of Chapter 1, I am seeing now that although I haven't been reading about the Tao, or contemplating Taoism consciously, I actually have been practicing it, becoming more and more Taoist. I think my Sheng Zhen Qigong practice, and the life coaching from Laura Lavigne I've received, and the support of wise friends/family/teachers have all helped me tremendously, keeping me on the path and learning to ride the waves. :) Awesome!
Tao of Inner Peace
Ch. 1, Day 1 (1.10.10)
“Beginning the Journey” is the name of the 1st Chapter. How fitting considering that I started reading it while sitting on a plane that’s about to take flight, and considering that a few days ago I received the keys to a new apartment and also said goodbye to my lover. Plus, it’s a new year, with some new and clear intentions. So let the journey begin!
This chapter begins with:
A tree that reaches past your embrace grows from one small seed.
A structure over nine stories high begins with a handful of earth.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. (Tao 64)
The author suggests contemplating the opening quotes and asking how it relates to me.
I read Tao 64 as "you gotta start somewhere....baby steps...it all adds up...growth starts small, takes time...trust in the process."
***The plane is taking off for Oakland now. Wee!***
After the quote, the author asks, "how did you begin your search for peace?"
For me it began with a nearly fatal car accident at the age of 16. A year later, I was depressed, didn't want medication, and so my acupuncturist turned me onto "Healing With Whole Foods" which lead me to "The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity." I resonated with Taoism immediately. Those 2 books were like life rafts for me. And yet it's been quite awhile since i have consciously studied the Tao, been awhile since I've read any books on it. So now I begin again. Recommitting. Reconnecting. Reminding myself of what I already know, what is true, what is Tao, what is Te. (and will define tao and te next time, perhaps...)
The self-assessment in this chapter is about identifying any areas of my life in which I am not at peace:
Body: actually pretty at peace within my body. sugar cravings have subsided. still some aches and pains, but mostly at peace. feeling more and more comfortable in and happy with my body than ever before, for sure.
Career: Happy with the freedom and the work itself, but sometimes stressed and insecure about not "enough" clients or students. Wondering how much of the lack of peace comes from what others say and think-- sometimes I want more work because I'm passionate about what I do, but sometimes it's out of some sort of need to prove that if I didn't have the finances to supplement my income, I could still make enough to live how I want to live.
Relationships: Yes, actually more at peace than I've felt in quite some time. Ready for love, for a long-term monogamous relationship, and ready in a peaceful and patient way. Phew! I also love all the new relationships that have recently come into my life through dance. And also the ways in which old friendships and relationships with family and exes have deepened or gently ended. Happy to be able to communicate well and connect with others, cultivating healthy relationships in personal and professional life.
Finances: Pretty peaceful, and very grateful. Sometimes feel concerned, but am good at reminding myself that I always have more than enough.
Myself: some ups and downs here, but mostly at peace. Although, this might be one of the least at peace aspects. there is still this deeply ingrained sense of pressure or obligation, so a feeling of "not being good enough" sometimes manifests in unhealthy decisions, behaviors, over-doing, etc.
World: at peace. but maybe that's because i don't really follow the news!
So, I think I'm least at peace with "myself," but that's not even so bad. So, this is good! I'm pretty at peace. Despite the ups and down, which I've learned are a natural part of the process--- and that is a key teaching of Taoism: ups and downs, and it's all an ongoing process. So, wow! I've really come a long way.
Ooooh, and here's another thing I'm familiar with that's being mentioned in this chapter: seeing crisis as opportunity. Yes! Very familiar with this one. Perhaps more on that another time....
Just in this first reading of Chapter 1, I am seeing now that although I haven't been reading about the Tao, or contemplating Taoism consciously, I actually have been practicing it, becoming more and more Taoist. I think my Sheng Zhen Qigong practice, and the life coaching from Laura Lavigne I've received, and the support of wise friends/family/teachers have all helped me tremendously, keeping me on the path and learning to ride the waves. :) Awesome!
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