Exit Wound

I was thinking about what I wrote the other day about leaving my business to focus on writing. I was thinking about how extreme that is. I was thinking there must be a way to do both, commit to writing and keep seeing clients and teaching students. I was thinking that I think too much. Tao is about flow. Living in the moment. Not over-thinking and over-planning.

But this morning I was reminded of why I think too much, why I spend so much time in my head, trying to plan out everything. Some part of me believes that's the safest place to be, and that planning and making the "right" choices will keep me safe. Understandable considering that some choices in the past led me to a nearly fatal car accident 14 years ago. And I've recently uncovered some feelings of guilt and shame around that. No wonder in the first chapter of "The Tao of Inner Peace" when I did the self-assessment, I was least at peace with myself. There have been all these feelings of guilt and shame holding me back, and I wasn't even fully aware of them until now. But that could be a whole other blog entry, and perhaps it will be. Now back to this morning's exit wound:

This morning I noticed a tender spot on the upper right side of my head. I was in the middle of a Continuum dive, lying on the floor, allowing my neck and head to move all around against the mat. And as I noticed this tender spot, my mind immediately concluded it was an exit wound; when I leave my body, that's the spot through which I exit.

I started crying as I thought back to the first time I left, at least the first noticeable time, in that speeding car, knowing we were going to crash; I wanted out before it happened. And so I left. And then came back in. And then left again when it did happen.

Through CranioSacral sessions and Continuum Movement I've discovered that I never fully came back, and I'm still working on being more fully in my body. After going through something so frightening, violent, and damaging, it makes sense that my body didn't seem like a safe place to reside. But it is safe. And no amount of over-thinking and over-planning is going to do me any good.

What I feel today is that if I'm going to focus on, commit to, dive into anything, it's gotta be movement and embodiment. When I do these things to get me more into my body and into the flow, such as Continuum, qigong, or receiving CranioSacral, or dancing, that's when I'm inspired to write. That's when I follow through and actually do write. That's when I either have clarity or at least peace of mind rather than constant questioning and pressure to make the best decision. That's when I'm most in line with the principles of Tao and Te.